Whenever people hear that I read parenting books, that I’m actively “working” on my parenting skills, they’re impressed. Intimidated even. Oh she’s that kind of mom. It makes me feel great – I’m invested, I’m up to date, I care. I leave books like “Bringing Up Bebe” or “Siblings without Rivalry” around the lounge, happy for guests’s eyes to catch the latest titles in my library. I’ll never miss an opportunity to tell people about parenting seminars, webinars or courses that I attend: this is what makes me a supermama after all.
But somehow, if I’m reading up on building better marriage skills I’m a little less proud. And you have to work pretty hard to squeeze the fact that we’ve been to a marriage counselor out of me. Ok, so we’ve been to two.
I’m happy to divulge that sometimes I’d like to send my kids back to where they came from.
But I’m a little less excited to share that sometimes I don’t want my husband anymore, either (that was just for effect, honey!).
Marriage really is the last taboo.
About five years ago my husband and I went through a Really. Rough. Patch.
We weren’t sure we were going to make it through. The chasm between us felt vast. No one knew what we were going through … no one could have guessed.
Realizing that this was one of those times when I needed to swallow my pride and reach out for help – (something we all love to do) I called the person who came to mind intuitively – my (older) brother. I called him, but I couldn’t speak, I just started crying. Having received a call, completely out of the blue – with no background information on why I might be speechless at that moment – the sensitivity of his response amazes me to this day:
“Can I come over?”
He came straight over and sat us both down. We were holding hands. He then did for us what no amount of therapy could have: He told us we were an amazing couple. He told us we loved each other deeply. He told us that these were not the kind of issues that we should end our kind of marriage over. He told me I needed to let go of certain things and be more flexible. He related that he was both removed enough and close enough to have a different view of our marriage: it was a good one, a happy one, a long lasting one.
This was just what we had desperately needed to hear. But of course our therapist would never have said these words, never have planted such clear, unquestioning thoughts in our minds. That would be unprofessional.
My brother never brought it up again and we haven’t spoken of it since. But in effect: he saved our marriage. Two kids and five years later – I can’t thank him enough.
It wasn’t easy to make that call. But I’m so glad I did. It’s so much more fun to be telling our girlfriends about the gorgeous anniversary flowers we were gifted with than it is to tell them we were gifted the flowers after a night in separate rooms. It’s so hard to say it like it is: “We’re struggling to be supportive to one another” or “At the moment we’re often unhappy”. But so many of us are. It’s uncomfortable to paint your husband as looking like a jerk because, well, then you’re married to a jerk … and then there’s the victorian-era wisdom passed silently through the generations: don’t air your dirty laundry in public.
So then what are couples in crisis to do? If they can’t seek help, support and wisdom from those closest to them, our culture dictates that they seek it from professional counselors. Don’t misunderstand, I am a big fan of therapy (particularly CBT – cognitive, behavioral therapy which is far more goal oriented and measurable than many of it’s sister methods) – as I said, my husband and I have found success with two different therapist both of whom we recommend to friends – but marriage counseling simply isn’t cutting it. Beyond being expensive, time consuming and inaccessible to many couples, there is taboo around going to therapy as well and resistance to therapy is understandably high. Even when a couple does get their butts to a couch – the process is often long, exhausting and sometimes spotlights the problems but doesn’t do much to find concrete solutions.
The thing is: most of us might not have a brother quite as wise and sensitive as mine to call. And would most of us call him even if we did? I think not. I think in our ultra-urban-modern lives we’ve lost the “clan”. And whilst it may be mostly a blessing that we no longer have to live with our mothers in law, it’s also a tiny bit of a curse.
No one is there to warm up our cold shoulders, to soften our eye-rolling, to call us on our name-calling. Marriage is between two people and two people only and they alone will witness their successes – or their downfall. By the time others hear of it – it’s too late, the marriage has died. But here is my first “borrow” from the parenting genre – into the marriage genre – I think sometimes it takes a village to make a marriage work.
In his fabulous Ted talk, William Ury, author of Getting to Yes describes this “Village” as the Third side.
I think I’ve found the secret to peace. It’s actually surprisingly simple. It’s not easy but it is simple. The secret to peace is “Us”. It’s “Us” who act as a surrounding community around any conflict, who can play a constructive role. I call it “the third side” – when you describe conflict there’s always two sides. What we don’t often see is that there’s always a third side … the third side of the conflict is the surrounding community – it’s the friends, the family, the allies the neighbors. And we can play an incredibly constructive role. Perhaps the most fundamental way in which the third side can help is to remind the parties of what’s really at stake: “For the sake of the kids, for the sake of the family, for the sake of the community, for the sake of the future, let’s stop fighting for a moment and start talking.”
See, I speak to a lot of my very close friends about their marriages. And what I’m hearing isn’t pretty. The thing that upsets me most is: this still seems to be so taboo. Everyone wants to be the perfect couple, to seem so happy and compatible and romantic. Him, the perfect father – sensitive, funny and caring. Her – the devoted wife, supermama and successful entrepreneur to boot. But so many of us are actually struggling to find a good connection (and I don’t mean wifi).
So let’s break down this taboo. Let’s call in our own little village. This doesn’t mean filterless gossiping about the details of your sex life to your Aunt Jeroldina. And it most definitely doesn’t mean badmouthing our spouses to our families for some cathartic release. It does mean finding that third party who cares about us deeply, knows our partners as well and is willing and able to serve as a sounding board to keep our perspectives in check. To gently guide us down off our high horse before it gallops away. It means allowing that positive, supportive person or those persons in and giving them as objective an account as possible and then listening openly to what they are hearing and seeing in our marriage: are we blowing things out of proportion? Are we expecting too much? Communicating too little?
Being isolated in an endless, destructive loop can lead a couple to believe they cannot work it out. I’ve been there. So here are some qualities to look for and guidelines for success in letting a third party into the most important relationship in your life:
- Choose wisely: this friend should be a positive person who has your best interest at heart. If she was once in love with your husband, she’s the wrong choice.
- Try to choose someone who’s known you both for a long time and who has a somewhat of a relationship with both of you. Someone who can remind you of when you first fell in love, or point out the positive traits of your partner.
- Tell your husband/wife that you’ll be discussing your marriage with someone else and tell them who. Ask them if there’s anything they don’t want you to talk about and respect their boundaries. Sometimes there are things that are said or done that shouldn’t be shared. Explain why you need to talk, it could sound like this: “I feel like we keep hitting a wall with this particular subject, I really need to get some perspective and try to figure out a way for us to move forward. Is it ok with you if I discuss this with Jenny? I feel she’d be the right person to help us understand each other better.”
- Tell your friend what it is you expect of them (“I wanted to get your opinion on something Jon and I have been struggling with recently. It would be great if you could help remind me what I love about Jon, as right now I’m feeling like pulling each hair on his head out with a pair of tweezers.”)
- Try to avoid the words “always”, “never”. Instead use “often” or “sometimes”.
- If possible, have the person speak to both of you – separately. They might help in softening your points of view and filtering out the nonsense.
- Remember: this is not marriage counseling. You are actively looking for support to your marriage, not an objective opinion on who’s right. You want to hear good things about your spouse and your marriage – the village you’re building is there to help keep you together.
Have you had success in receiving support from a third party when your marriage was in trouble? I’d love to hear in the comments bellow.
